the life everlasting.

I believe in God, the Father Almighty,
the Creator of heaven and earth,
and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord:

Who was conceived of the Holy Spirit,
born of the Virgin Mary,
suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified, died, and was buried.

He descended into hell.

The third day He arose again from the dead.

He ascended into heaven
and sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty,
whence He shall come to judge the living and the dead.

I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy *catholic church,
the communion of saints,
the forgiveness of sins,
the resurrection of the body,
and life everlasting.

Amen.

those words were the guidelines by which i lived my life, day in and day out for the first 14. though i disagree with most of those catholic teachings, i am a product of my upbringing. i know the importance of a sentence that starts with "i believe..." i forget sometimes, though, to make those statements. so many of us forget, those words, i believe. we hope instead, that people can tell what believe from our clothes, the books we read, the people we are seen with. but i think sometimes, plain and simple, words are louder than words.

i believe in coffee and the need that a person sometimes has to keep going, even when they're going, going, gone. i believe in the diners and the power of late nights. i believe in girls, that in them there is a future, a better future. i believe in our voices, i believe in singing, because i swear, as doris did before me, that there is nothing wrong with your voice. i believe that, though it's trite, there is someone for everyone, i believe in love everlasting. i believe in you, you who i have met and you who i haven't, i believe in you because i need to. i believe in falling stars and snowflakes. in mothers and sons. in the truth underneath it all.

i belive.

a funny story, i couldn't remember for a long while.

i have been attempting with no luck to tell this story while with friends in new york, but always it had left me. it returned to me tonight. here you go.

during the end of my time in pittsburgh i went on a date with a man, a much older man, who i was certain would not be compatible, but he was persuasive and rather handsome, so i agreed. i arrived at the agreed upon bar, which was as close to fru fru as pittsburgh was ever going to get. i arrived and i could tell i was not what he had expected. gay men, gay.com, it's an old story. my date as it were was sitting at the bar with 2 other gay men, the kind of gay men that blend well together and i find utterly boring. he introduced me to his friends and i could tell that they instantly thought there new found friend had made a mistake. surely this chubby awkward 20 something could not be there friends date. the date went badly. my date was hitting the sketchier of the two men we were sitting with. my date was hitting on a coke dealer. ah romance. he left to accompany this entrepreneur on a call, leaving me with 60$ to stay and have a few drinks. i felt like julia roberts in the heartland.

the coke dealer's roommate and i sat there. he was eagerly typing a cute guy he wanted to come meet him for a drink. he was excited because word on the street was that said cute guy had lost some weight. ooooo. we made small talk and drank overpriced martini's. yum. he looked at me and said, "Wow, you have really clear skin, I have to pack on the foundation to get skin that clear." i was flattered but, as always, i'm skeptical. so i turned to my drinking companion and i said, "Well thank you, but it's a trade off, I get clear skin, but I'm fat." my new slender friend's jaw dropped. he sat there silent for minutes, and i asked, "What? Hasn't anyone ever called themselves fat around you? Haven't you met a self identified fatty before?" he remained silent, and finally whispered, "No..." he continued, "...I'm sorry, it's just that i only know skinny people." I had a friend, a very good looking friend, meeting me, and as luck would have it he walked in at that moment. we kissed. i left.

hear ye hear ye

i need to recommend these albums with every fiber of my being.

tift merrit-another country:

i cannot tell you enough what a treat this album is. the song broken might very well be one of the catchiest songs about love and renewal ever.





kathleen edwards: asking for flowers.
"asking for flowers, is like asking you to be nice" sings canadian
song bird kathleen edwards the title track to her third outting, a
reference to the deterioration of a years long relationship. but to
recommend her third album and not emphasize enough how good
all of her music is. buy and or download em all.

ok, also read these books:

the quality of life report-meaghan daum:

though it tells the story of a lost 30 something trying to find her way by way of the midwest, daum's novel speaks easily to anyone looking for answers in their life. which, really, is everyone.







the year of magical thinking- joan didion.

your whole life changes in the ordinary instance. beautiful writing is the result.

seperation, marriage and divorce.

he lived near historic homes, the kind they give tours through that allow people to feel cultured. he lived near a cemetery. he lived near a library. and like those places he was educational. emotional academia. i will not,now or ever, name names, but my most recent attempt at making it work, at making a relationship happen, failed. it failed because i wanted more than he could give. it failed because i couldn't be honest with myself and he couldn't handle being the bad guy. you can't win this way. he lived near historic homes- the kind i am fascinated by because i envy, at times, the simplicity those folks had in the day to day. in the ordinary moments. he lived near a library, the kind i have always sought refuge in, the kind he would not. he lived near a cemetery- a place i think i might one day find my answers in. the place she is. my mother. an entry for a later date. he couldn't know of answers in death, safety in books, curiosity in historic architecture. he found solace in more, more and more. more to own, more to covet, more to avoid. we could never really have worked, i know that, but i told myself that i could fix him. he who is made of fear. he who is scared and anxious. i could fix it all. and maybe i could have if i was more pop and flash and less want and process.

today, en route to a job interview-i eagerly await the results of this, i went into the smallest starbucks i have ever been inside. and across from me i saw the most attractive stranger i have ever laid eyes on. young, tattooed, business casual with sneakers ( i love this), auburn faux hawk. i instantly envisioned his & his french bulldogs, weekends gardening and adopted girl children named for cowgirls we both knew from stories. i gave this dreamboat a second glance and i realized he was reading the new york post and we were divorced before the honeymoon ever was.

a new beginning.

i had talked about doing this for sometime now. as we know i'm sometimes slow to start, but it had been sometime since i had done anything for myself, so here we go. starts and stops. new and old. memories and picture. here they will be. sharing as i can what i think as it occurs. no names. but my own of course.

to begin, i am living on an island, someplace else not yet my home. i am slowing trying to get it all together. i am living a life that does not feel like my own. but it is mine and i am working with it.