new york, new york is a friend to the traveling kind.

For a few weeks now i have thought about subversiveness. about that drive inside so many to be alternative. to fight against the way it should be. i'm told these ideas are "very rent." la vie boheme, right? the other day i realized there is no more subversiveness in this city. new york. my home. i was on the 1 train. the 1 train was once the luxury liner of the different, the outcast, the vagabond. people who got off at christopher st. and reclaimed downtown. that is gone. the west village is gone. alternative is gone. i see kids in ripped jeans and chucks, items that once meant maybe you were interesting, walking into modeling agencies ( and not in a gia kind of way). i see pink hair trannies taking pictures with casserole eating midwest farm wives who have spent the last five days wandering my fair city, loving the "safety" of the neighborhoods i was found solace in.

there are no more outcast. not in a loving positve way anymore. there are no more queer revolutionaries in docs and tank tops (least we count the crowd out side of the eagle leather bar, and even they are talking about adopting and subarus). there is no place for the downtrodden. it's all gentrification and parental help and lackluster sparkle. hip minus the bones. fat minus the sass. cool minus the struggle.

i've been thinking of a song, by amy ray-of the indigo girls. called put it out for good. it speaks truth. i will burn it and mail it to anyone who will listen.

Alright I hear what you're saying to me
Alright I hear what I just can't do
But I got this spark I got to feed it something
Or put it out for good

i don't want to put it out for good. i don't want to be a lark. a sign that straight white boring as hell america has accepted me. embraced me. i want to scream and say fuck you and be fat and ride my bike and be brave and have that not mean my life is screwed. i don't want to drive a hybrid and go to fire island family weekend. i want to fuck and love and hug and kiss and scream and drink like my life depends on it. i want to make them think that maybe we are different and that's what makes us braver and more beautiful then them and i want them to feel afraid and bad for not taking OUR feelings in to consideration.